Friday, October 21, 2011

One year, health update, and painting pumpkins with caution.

ONE YEAR already!?

I can't believe our little guy will be ONE year old in just TWELVE days!!

This time last year I was hoping to get through church obligations before having him. (A children's recital/program of all the songs I'd taught them that year, mixed with lines they each had memorized about what they had learned. It would've been no big deal if there had been less than 120 of them, all trying to sit still in our chapel for an hour!) My last day of on campus classes would have been tomorrow (Oct. 22nd) with online ones continuing until December. I have no idea how I passed all my classes that semester.

Just to reminisce, here is a link to Nathan's birth story. I have a really hard time reading it without anxiety settling in...luckily there haven't been any recent flashbacks to stop me in my tracks!

Health Update

I can't believe this year has gone by so fast, but I also can't believe I'm still struggling with everything. I have a friend whose baby was life flighted to a hospital a couple hours away from them the day after she was born, where she was for 12 days! I have another friend whose baby was born with a terminal condition. Why am I still struggling about what happened to my perfectly healthy baby and me almost 12 months ago!? I guess I'll never know, but I'm sure I need this experience for something.

I love the definition of trauma that my counselor has ingrained in my memory: Trauma is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. That was probably the most comforting thing to hear. It makes me feel like there's hope! I long to be normal and just blend in. I always have. I've never been a trendsetter or individualistic in any way. I love just blending in and letting other people stand out. 

I have also been learning that my personality, including what I just mentioned, is very prone to anxiety issues. Now that I know that it is easy to recognize issues I've had with anxiety in the past. 

I just found out from a doctor that my anti-anxiety medication did something to me that is pretty common: it induced constant anxiety. At first I thought I was more level-headed and was able to think clearer than before. (Like when I wrote that last post.) Then the real effects hit. I had adrenaline going in my chest ALLLL the time, no matter what I was doing. It was ridiculous! It still happens a lot, but I'm learning techniques of what to do to help the anxious feelings subside.

One other thing that I've been giving a lot of thought to is having another baby. Now that Nathan is almost one, he's really not very babyish anymore. However, it is not time for us to have another baby. We know that. We'll follow the inspiration we've received for our family. I also know myself well enough to know that these feelings of longing to become a mom again won't go away until we have our last baby. Being a wife and mom are all I've ever wanted to be. They are both the best jobs I've ever had, and the best jobs I will ever have! They are who I am now, and I only want to keep doing this, ya know?

Enter desires for another tiny person.

And, because most of my anxiety involves over thinking things, enter 219385 thoughts of my current little guy and future little ones that will join him.

Now I'm rambling. 

Painting pumpkins...with caution, of course!

Most of my child dev. classes this week and last have focused on children's temperaments. There are three:
1) Flexible 
(the "easy" child who is willing to try anything)
2) Feisty 
(the wild and outgoing child who will jump head first into everything)
3) Fearful 
(the cautious child who is slow to warm up)

You can probably guess where Nathan is in these three. He is fearful beyond any doubt. He cries when we walk past vacuums in stores. Yup, they don't even have to be ON. He's scared of any foliage, including grass (and the wreath on our front door), anything fluffy, including most stuffed animals, and most toys that are "too noisy". However, toys that HE does something to activate seem to be fine. Whatever. Oh, and cows. The list goes on. Here we are, painting pumpkins. We got the cheapest washable paint we could find, three pumpkins, and got started! 

Mitch had just come back from hunting and had bought a new tarp for the occasion. So we decided to paint on it, of course. It was too chilly to do it outside, and we knew Nathan man would obviously do best in just a diaper. He was hilarious! 

I gave him the baby pumpkin on the way home, to hold in his lap (he loves to hold things while in his car seat), in hopes that he wouldn't be afraid of it. He wasn't! Success! However, after I painted a smiley face on my pumpkin he was petrified of it, and kept trying to crawl his paint-covered body off the tarp and onto the carpet. Nuh uh! That is RENTED carpet! Sorry, kiddo, but you're going to have to deal with this.

Sorry, these pictures aren't edited, but I don't think any of you care :o) 

(Captions fall below the pictures)
Exploring the pumpkins...not scared yet!

As if the paints really had a chance of staying on that paper plate! Luckily our kitchen is small enough that our tarp covered it, without even unfolding it all the way!

Getting took him awhile to want to paint it, but after some coaxing from mom, and feeling how cool the paint was on his fingers, he was in!

Yumm. Check out that diaper. Finally, a diaper grosser on the outside than on the inside!  Yay for sensory exploration!

He looks thrilled, I know. Haha another fun side effect of the medication I was on? I lost 15 lbs in a month. Not good! At least I don't look stressed out. That's a rarity these days!

Soul patch :o)

Pumpkin family! Mitch was our "designated clean person", so we left him in charge of photos and getting Nathan's bath stuff out, since the other two of us were covered in paint. Needless to say, his pumpkin didn't get a face, but will get a sweet carved one later. PS--see that face on my pumpkin? That's what scared him. Wimp!

Aww, good job, buddy :o)


  1. What a cute idea! I love that you had him paint the pumpkin too. Maybe I'll steal that idea...
    Annnddd - I'm glad you're doing better. What a crazy think to have to deal with as a mom. I can't say that I have any idea what you're going/have gone through, but us moms, we're tough ;) We have to deal with lots of stuff. So you'll make it through!

  2. I think my daughter is a number 2. She is so active and climbs everything. Also, don't compare yourself to others. Just because others' trials look harder than yours, doesn't mean that yours aren't difficult. I know it's easier said than done. I compare myself to my friends as well. I hope things keep getting better and that you quit having so much anxiety all the time.

  3. how on earth do you have 15 pounds to lose??
    this is camille btw

  4. Camille--I DON'T have 15 lbs to lose. My wedding ring tries to slip off my finger all the time, my jeans slip off my hips just as fast, and I look sick! Nursing also burns a ton of calories, so once I'm done I'll probably gain it back.


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